If had a kettlebell, I would have used it. I would have used it to smash the mirror. I would have used it to smash the mirror into MILLIONS of pieces and then I would have jumped on those pieces and screamed big SCREAMS! Yaaaawwwwpppp!!!! (Yep, I just quoted Dead Poets Society).
This week was one of those weeks. I don’t have them as much anymore but they still happen. One of those weeks when you look in the mirror and you want to cry, scream or throw kettlebells because your reflection is NOT what you look like in your head.
I hear from my loved ones:
- “Sally, you are so strong”
- “You are beautiful”
- “You are inspirational”
- “I would love quads like yours”
- “I am jealous of your strength and endurance”
- “I wish I could do the things you can do…”
I love them… keep them coming!!! I know I am all of those things. I am amazing! I have no doubt in my abilities or where I am in my life right now. But that doesn’t always mean that you can see yourself that way all the time.
I had one of those moments the other day as I looked at myself in the mirror and I had some shorts on. I knew my workout was not going to consist of sprinting or lunges which often cause wardrobe malfunctions revealing body parts that should only be exposed to my husband or my gynecologist. Today was a day of lifting weights, circuit and ab work. TOTALLY SHORTS FRIENDLY! Or at least I thought…
I was standing there doing a circuit of cleans, thrusters and barbell jump-overs** (which was an awesome workout, BTW), watching my legs jiggle and get wrinkly and nasty. UGH! I still think about it and cringe. That’s when it hit me. The emotion wave. The anger phase. The “what the fuck is it all for?” phase. I have SO MUCH FUN doing all this workout shit. SO MUCH FRICKIN’ FUN! How come I look in the mirror and what I see doesn’t match what I thought I looked like? I thought my legs had more definition. I thought my tummy didn’t stick out that far. (Of course it does, I’ve had three 10lb kids!!!!!) I thought those facial wrinkles were just a bad dream I had. I had 10,000 “I thoughts” going through my head. What do I want my body to look like? I don’t know, but not that…
I reached out. I knew I needed to. I needed help to get my head in the right place so I wouldn’t go down this dark path of self-doubt. I needed to hear myself say it out loud. I needed to tell someone that my mind was being a BULLY. A mean nasty BULLY! I heard lots of great complimentary things. I heard about intangibles. I heard that what I am right now is perfect. (Almost perfect; close second to Jessica Alba. Or maybe I am better than Jessica Alba because maybe, just MAYBE she is a b-i-t-c-h. Fingers crossed.) Sometimes you just need to say it out loud to someone so they will make you realize your self doubt is RIDICULOUS!
Some days you look in the mirror and you think, “HOT DAMN, I LOOK GOOD!” And others you think, “Where the F did that bit of fat come from?” When I look in the mirror, I know exactly where it came from. It came from 22 years of Pizza Fridays spent with my handsome hubby. It came from many bike rides with my kids that may/may not have ended with a Jurassic World Smash Blizzard from the Dairy Queen. It came from having three handsome and amazingly energetic (aka: exhausting) boys that pushed my body to it’s physical and cosmetic limits.
Although I had self doubt (and probably will again and again), when I step back and look at my body, I do realize that each inch of perfection and imperfection is a memory. A good memory. It is that perfect stretch of double unders that caused me to pee myself. Or those years of smiling and laughing with friends that made my crow’s feet deeper than the Marianas Trench. Or that homemade deep dish pizza that was consumed while watching a Zac Efron movie while cuddling with Scott. PERFECTION!
Now… I am not looking for a bunch of compliments from anyone. (But just in case, you can find me on the Facebook or the Instagrams… kidding! I start school next week, no time for social media!) I just thought it needed to be said so you realize that EVERYONE has these same feelings. The struggle is real. It’s real for all of us.
**If you wanted to try, here is the Jiggly Jumpy Circuit. Recommendation: If you have a kettlebell, don’t stand in front of a mirror.
- 7 Cleans (95#/65#)
- 7 Thrusters (95#/65#)
- 7 Bar Jump over Burpees
- REPEAT 7 times